There’s nothing like watching someone finally realize that a horrible breakup can be the best thing that ever happened to them. It can take a few weeks, a few months or even a year to get to that point. But no matter how long it takes, the moment always feels just as good. How do all these women successfully get over their ex?

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No talking

It is not the “adult” way of dealing with the situation. Experts from around the world speak of dealing with ex-friends heartily. “Come over it!” They say. “Be grown up! Forget the pettiness that has happened! “But do you know what? Not talking to an ex to get over a break really works.

Not talking to an ex is considered the most youthful action one can take. Apparently, we should be able to cope with the emotional turmoil of “staying friends with an ex” just to prove that we’re grown-up rather than taking our own needs into account. Speaking with the ex right after a breakup is very much like drinking a whole bottle of wine all at once. It sounds impressive in theory, but is absolutely destructive in practice. It also causes a raging headache.

Exceptions

First, if you have both children together, then it is imperative to be friendly with each other. The gathering and keeping a united front, for the sake of the child’s sake, is much encouraged and is most likely the best option for the family.

Second, if both sides are completely beyond the relationship, then it is perfectly acceptable to be friends. Why not? Platonic friendships are the best. But before you believe that exception applies to you – make sure you can prove that theory. For example, are you both going out with other people? How long has the relationship been over? When was the last time you two had that one “moment”? Be honest! If you can say with certainty that you are both completely over the other, then that’s fine. You can skip the rest and take care of your rest day.

Here are the main reasons why you should not talk to your ex while recovering from a breakup:

1. The connection is maintained this way

Separations are hard. Sometimes they are blind; sometimes they cling to your life and torment you until the last straw burst. Nobody likes them, but in most cases they are a necessary evil of life. But the pain should not be permanent – it should be a short-term shock to the heart, from which we can all recover.

That is, unless you continue to talk to him. Continuous texting, seeing or speaking with the Ex means sticking to the shadow of the relationship. The relationship is over. Ex is not there anymore. So maintaining it just means investing time and energy into something that did not work. Instead, you must work to break the connection and shift your resources to other areas.

Finally, when you have both disconnected from the relationship, then you can give some energy back towards the connection.

2. You can’t make progress

When you recover from a breakup, you more than likely did your best to move forward. You may have been trying hard not to reach out, even though the temptation almost killed you. You probably already know that communicating with your ex is not a good idea.

It’s that simple. You send a message here, a snapshot there, and suddenly you’re knee-deep in old patterns! Then you write messages when something funny happens. You share the most important details of your day. Damn, you even give him emotional support! But unfortunately the relationship is over and therefore it makes no sense anymore. You both need to go on, but the communication holds you fast.

At some point, one of you will realize that this pattern is not healthy. Coming together does not happen, and there’s really no reason for all these conversations. So you have to start to move on … from the beginning. Give yourself the space and time you need to move fully forward. Once you get to a better point, you can revive any kind of platonic friendship you want.

3. There is false hope

The relationship ended for a reason. It was not just thrown in the box – there was a firm, legitimate reason that you both could not reach the next level. It’s not that you pulled the shorter stick and had to deal with the consequences of random coincidences. There was a conversation, an agreement, an end and all that came from at least one or two unsolvable problems.

So when you communicate with each other as if nothing ever happened, it creates a sense of falsehood and a lie. You are wrapped in old rhythms, old memories and old feelings. If  these interactions will continue, it’s almost impossible to avoid them.

Just as there was a reason for the breakup – there was a reason for the relationship. You two obviously had some connection, and it’s pretty hard to erase them from memory. It’s easy to forget why the relationship ended and to remember why it started. Leave no traces of meat in the lion’s den, if you know that it’s almost impossible to get out alive. Protect yourself! Let the old relationship strengthen and recover you before you can work on a new kind of relationship. Both of you will benefit in the long term.

4. You block other opportunities

It’s just math: when you talk to your ex, you do not talk so much to people who are not your ex. And these other people are the people with whom you still have an intact relationship … unlike a certain person. Instead of opening up to new people or enjoying existing friendships, you are increasingly immersing yourself in a relationship that has already burned to the ground. The emotional investment that you continue to pour into your ex, you could pour into other people who would like to reciprocate your love. Do not lock yourself up on occasions by burying yourself in an old relationship. Expose yourself to new possibilities. Go out with friends, meet new people (offline and online), be open to new stuff … you will not regret it in the long run.